Boobs are the best way to sell golf equipment… Click to expand, if you have a big enough monitor.
Though I am not at the
2014 2015 2016 PGA Merchandise Show this week, I can tell you everything that is going to happen there. Here’s a bullet list of some of the highlights one can expect at the PGA Show:
- Every golf company’s new and bestest awesome driver ever in the universe will be longer than ever! BOOM! LONG! BIG! POW! LONG LONG LONG!
- Every golf ball manufacturer’s ball is the longest ever and has more spin for control around the greens! More control and more distance, every year! How do they do it!?!?!?
- Puma will have a DJ and the guys across at FootJoy will be deaf by the end of the show! Boom-tis boom-tis boom-tis… OOOHHHHH YEAH!
- Some golf companies will attract visitors to their booths with hired local strippers! Yay for strippers! Booth babes! Problem is, the visitors will never remember the company or its offerings: “Hey Bob, remember the boobs on those two blonds at that one booth? I can’t remember the company, but I sure remember those boobs!”
- Many first-time companies will display puzzling products, like golf club stands. Why they decided to blow their life savings on a booth at the show for a product which can’t even garner $5 on ebay is beyond me.
- Companies and entrepreneurs who don’t have enough money for a booth will be soliciting people on the show floor, like flashers or counterfeit watch salesmen on the streets of NYC: “Hey buddy, wanna see something cool?”
- Chinese companies will be going around the show covertly taking photos of the products they will counterfeit.
- Foreigner will play the after show concert for the 208th year in a row.
- Non industry professionals who borrowed passes from their golf industry friends will be scouring the show for all the free golf schwag they can carry in a bag they got at the first booth they visited. “Look at these free tees I got!!! Yippeeeee!!!”
- As each show morning comes, every participant will have a bigger hangover and sorer feet.
- People will stand in line for TWO hours to hit the latest TaylorMade driver.
- Golf Channel TV personalities will cut in line at the hot dog stand in front of us low-lifes who are politely waiting in line. This happened to me more than once!
- Educational conferences will cover “growing the game” and new “golf initiatives,” but they will be completely forgotten and ineffective. New drivers will still be $400. Golf will still be too expensive. Golf will still take too long. Handicaps will stay the same. The game will remain difficult…just like the last year and the year before… and so on, and so on.
- Parking will suck. Ride the shuttles!
- Show food will suck. Pack a lunch.
- By the last day of the show, exhibitors will be nodding off to sleep in their booths which they paid $40,000 for. Then, after waking up, they will start packing up the booth many hours before the show ends.
- Astonishingly, many expensive booths will be staffed by people who do not speak english. Countless communication problems will likely lead to lost sales.
I could go on, but it is lunch time…
Here’s the latest driver from Taylormade, the M5. The M in the name stands for “Mixer.” This driver’s inspiration comes from the audio mixing console, like you see at big concerts and stuff.
Golfers will be able to adjust the usual driver properties like loft, face angle, lie, and so on. New adjustments will include parametric filters on several different bands, balanced and unbalanced inputs, high and low pass filtering, inline compression with hard and soft knee adjustments, effects inserts (adding a plugin type architecture for 3rd parties to develop their own “driver APPS”), noise gating, tube pre amplification, dynamic range expanders, and a bypass button for when the adjustments get so crazy you need to turn them all off.
Perhaps this is the the peak of the adjustable driver era? I’m not sure there are many more ways we can adjust these things. Statistically all these club adjustments over the years have had NO effect on amateur golf scores, which have not improved in decades.
The New KINGPXGM1-MEGA Driver – It’s a GAME CHANGER!
I just saw an advertisement or Tweet or something like that from Puma for their next golf shoe. This one is a “game changer.” How many times can we change the game anyway? It’s been changed at least 589 times since last week. That’s the number of times the term “game changer” has been used in golf PR, advertising and social networking since noon last Tuesday.
Changed? How? From what to what?
Let’s assume these statements are correct for a minute. Let’s assume that new golf product did change the game. What part of the game was changed? What was it changed to? How do we even know that this “change” is for the better? Who authorized this change?
What if said change is negative?
Has this new golf shoe, divot tool, driver, widget, or whatever it is changed the game from lasting five plus hours to five and a half? Did it change the game from being really hard to even more hard? Did it change the jerks in front of you on the 12th green even more drunk? Did it make the game even more expensive?
Back up your claims!
From now on, stop using the term “game changer” unless you are prepared to tell everyone how the product changed the game, why the game is better. Also be prepared to tell everyone who the hell gave you the authority to change the game without asking the rest of us first? Perhaps we can vote on the change and at least come to a consensus before you arbitrarily change the game to meet your own whims and agendas?
Thanks for your consideration.
Quality and class..
T&A alert! T&A alert! For you flyby web browsers who follow golf but love tits and ass even more, here’s some great news for you. Trash9Network is returning! Yes, the golf web’s version of the Bunny Ranch is going to be delivering Instagram photo galleries of the web’s hottest golf whores, for your enjoyment.
What? I’m being too crude? Perhaps I’ll use the en vogue term for publishing Instagram galleries of whores with golf clubs in their hands… “Golf Lifestyle.” There. Feel better?
Back9Network executives acknowledged in the filing in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Hartford their failure to launch a profitable television network. They’re now forming a “compelling online platform” of websites, a golf app and an email newsletter with 1.7 million subscribers, they said. Since its founding in 2010, it raised $32 million from more than 200 investors and about $6.2 million of unsecured debt from investors, Back9Network said. ~via the Hartford Courant
Huh? A “compelling online platform?” What does it compel one of their flyby, Instagram whore gallery next-button-clicking web visitors to do? Jerk off?
$32 million and they don’t even know how to spell “caddie.” Facepalm…
I really have to wonder what ANY of the investors, including the state of Connecticut, must have thought when seeing the content this “network” put together with their $32 million in investments. It must have been horrifying for the investors.
Is this Penthouse or a golf website? Oh sorry, “golf lifestyle”
Amanda Dufner in a g-string. Doesn’t sell golf clubs or grow the game, but it generates clicks.
What’s more unbelievable is that more investors are putting money into this ship, which I thought sunk but somehow has temporarily floated back to the surface. Don’t they know Amanda Dufner, the old site’s primary draw, is gone? Talk about throwing good money after bad.
The fun part is we get to watch the dumpster fire reignited, at least until this last “private investment” runs out.
Anyone want to lend me $32 million? I could do a hell of a job re-posting Instagram photos of hot chicks. Hell, I’d do it for $32.00.
I’m not big on tattoos. If I ever get one I was considering getting a washed out boat anchor on my forearm. That way when I’m 80 years old it will still look the same.
I must admit I’ve recently been fantasizing about getting a tattoo of Bubba Watson on my calf, but not any old Bubba Watson though. It would be “right-handed coal miner” Bubba Watson. The “tat” (that’s what cool people call them) would feature Bubba wearing a PING hat. Of course we would have to hope he doesn’t change sponsors. Bubba’s face would be covered in coal marks and he would be wielding a right-handed driver.
Right Handed Coal Miner Bubba!
Dammit I just found out someone already has the right handed coal miner Bubba Watson on their calf! See photo. What a bugger. Now I have to think of something else.