Special edition! This Masters Thursday I’m releasing my highly anticipated Masters Toothpaste Scripting. It’s my time. It’s a script like no other. It’s the toothpaste script heard round the world. YES SIR!
A lot of thought and planning over the past few months has gone into this toothpaste script. We needed some oral care sure, but also looked for whitening and even kids care. It’s a family blog. To get that piece of pulled pork out from between the right rear molars I had to throw in some dental floss, mint flavor of course. A motorized toothbrush is a must and to finish the process, clean and fresh smile whitener.
I’m proud of this Masters toothpaste scripting. I hope you enjoy it, and the Masters Tournament.
In your life have you ever seen anything like that?
I’ve been waiting for this week to come for months! It’s the absolute best time of year in golf. No no no… not the Masters Tournament silly, it’s APPAREL SCRIPT SEASON! Apparel scripts are by far my favorite part of the golf industry. And if you’re like me, you go down to the local golf shop and buy EVERY piece of apparel in every script. I do it in hopes I can golf just like Rory McIlory or Dustin Johnson. Maybe if I wear the same shirt Bubba does I can hit my driver 350 yards!
2017 Masters Apparel Scripts
I must admit, apparel scripting has come a long way and I think I’ve had quite a bit to do with it. The crop of scripts for the Masters this week is quite good. Those busy golf PR people have been working hard all winter drawing up sketches, making designs, and hiring lawn sprinkler installers to make “cool” apparel hangers. Below, enjoy my 2017 Masters apparel script commentary and critiques.
Bill Haas, a.k.a. “Jason”
I must start with the best scripting for 2017. I can’t resist going for it right off the bat. For this year’s Masters Bill Haas is going with the “Halloween face” look. It’s kind of a mask-like thing covering his whole face, but has some kind of cross burned into it… or maybe it’s stitched into it.
Love the Jason look, or is it Freddie? I’m not sure how well Haas will play this week, with his whole face and eyes covered.
I’m quite concerned about Louis Oosthuizen’s ability to compete in the Masters with only one pair of pants. Those could get quite, um, not pleasant after four days of huffing around the hilly Augusta National. He’s okay in the shirt department though. I don’t see any shoes, underwear, or socks. That one hat could get a little gamy by the end of the tournament.
adidas went cheap this year and is using the same photoshop template for apparel scripts that they did last year. Must be a cost cutting measure. Three pairs of pants is odd, hehe. I mean, assuming he makes the cut which pair will he wear a second time on Sunday? Or will he wear one pair Friday and Saturday, then a new clean pair on Sunday? No socks. No hat. No underwear. Walking Augusta in no undies could be chafe city.
Sigh. Pass the Grey Poupon. If Justin Thomas looks even remotely like this I’ll play the first hole of my home course naked. And how can whoever makes the fabrics in his shirts and pants do the “colors floating in a cloud outside of the fabric” thing? I’d like to see them pull that off. It’s a pretty complete script. He at least has shoes.
Rickie Fowler’s script is pretty solid. I see 4 shirts, 4 pants. I don’t see socks or undies and I wonder about the three pairs of shoes. Assuming he makes the cut, which pair will he wear twice. When I look at the bag I can only hope he remembered his clubs. Hard to score well in the Masters with an empty golf bag. The threads in this script are fine but I’m more intrigued by the pipe stand. Does that fit in the tiny Masters locker room? Did Puma hire a plumber to make that thing? And who was first on the block with the “plumbing” stand idea? See next analysis.
Nike has improved in their scripting. At least this time Rory has shirts with sleeves, and four of them. He’s got four hats, shoes, and pants too. Nice job Nike. I see no socks though. That might hurt. And who knows on the undies, or does Rory “free ball” it?
More importantly, check out the killer plastic sprinkler pipe stand. Does Rory have one of those for each outfit? Does it fit in the Augusta locker room? Can he do pull-ups on it? How many versions did they make until they came up with this one? Did they have a plumber or sprinkler installer do it? And did Nike come up with the plumbing idea before Puma? Who was first? I want to know.
Who is Danny Willett? He’s the guy that won last year, after Jordan Spieth melted down on the 12th hole. It was actually a tremendous final round 67 with no bogeys. I doubt Danny can play that well with no shoes or socks, or underwear for that matter. And it might be even harder if his pants are falling down (no belt).
Okay who is copying who? The artsy fartsy thing does nothing for me. Nothing. I can’t even tell which pants or shirts these are so I can go buy them at the store. And are these clubs Henrik has four different ones, or the same one? I hope four different ones. Henrik has a wee bit of a temper. He’s known to break stuff.
Brandt “No Face” Snedeker
I’m sorry, but the no-face thing is creepy. Especially the one on the right. I can’t go beyond that.
Welp… Are any of these the same colors or styles he wore in last year’s final round? I hope not, for his sake. Bad apparel scripts can cost a player a major championship.
All Time Greatest Masters Apparel Script
2014 Masters Apparel Script – Golf PR Companies Take Note
Blah. All those companies above can’t hold a candle to my apparel scripting skills. I’m not sure why one of these big golf companies hasn’t tried to hire me away from blogging, just for my scripting skills. My 2014 Masters apparel script stands the test of time, right down to the Masters themed underwear. It’s the “apparel script heard ’round the world.” It’s an apparel script “like no other.” “YES SIR!”
Struggled today. Then I realized I ate this on the 1st tee.
For 10+ years I ponied up my own money for plane tickets from Utah to Orlando to attend the PGA Merchandise Show and report to HOG readers about the latest longest long long super long really awesome big long longest longer drivers. Along with those expenses were rental car fees, lodging, transportation, food and beverage, parking etc. It added up to thousands by the time I was done with a week in Orlando. While in Orlando something happens to my body. I’m allergic to something there. It’s the swamp water or something. I get massive headaches, my eyes turn as red as a ripe tomato and hurt like hell, and my digestive system shuts down literally for the entire time I’m there. Needless to say that is, shall we say, uncomfortable.
So the last couple of years I’ve made the executive decision to pass on the PGA Show. I was probably the first blogger to ever “live blog” from the show, and now there are dozens of blogs and websites doing that stuff. They’ve got it covered. I can stay home with my family, not have to take time off of my day job, and not have to fork money out of my own pocket that the blog advertising would never recoup.
I do miss going and seeing all my industry friends and I’m going to write a companion post to this one, logging the 10 things I miss most about not attending the PGA Merchandise Show. But for now, here are the:
Top 13 Things I Won’t Miss at the PGA Merchandise Show
- Massive migraine headaches every day. Seriously! WTF is in the air/water in Orlando?
- Crap “show” food
- Bloodshot eyes that are hurt and look as red as ripe tomatoes. Seriously! WTF is in the air/water in Orlando?
- Puma’s “DJ” cranking out mind numbing, eardrum shattering, wrist-slitting, talent-less “music” that goes boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss, boom-tiss…. for f*&king ever. The poor FootJoy guys across the aisle will be deaf by the end of the show, if they don’t kill themselves first.
- Booth babes. I have no respect for golf companies who hire local
strippers “talent” to attract visitors to their booths. For example the photo below. I have no recollection of the product or company represented at this booth.
- Being subjected to the marketing nonsense of the longest long long super long really awesome big long longest longer drivers ever in the whole universe, longer than ever LONG!
Did I mention how long it is? Longest EVA!!!
- Foreigner in concert
- Drinking and eating too much.
- Golf club stands and other horrible golf inventions which will only serve to bankrupt the inventor and investors.
- Booths staffed by people who don’t speak english. Why someone would pay $40,000 for a booth and then put reps in there who can’t communicate with customers or sell products is mind boggling.
- Speaking of spending $40,000 on a booth, I have to mention the “sleeping dude in the booth” thing. As the show wears on, people will be nodding off in their booths.
- Educational conferences on how to “grow the game” which are full of buzz phrases and “feel good” ideas. Those ideas will be completely ineffective, just like last year’s ineffective ideas and the year before…
- Being constipated for a whole week after drinking and eating too much. Seriously! WTF is in the air/water in Orlando?
So there it is, more than you ever wanted to know about a golf blogger’s digestive system and the only place on the entire planet it fails in: Orlando.
Last night I was on Twitter for a minute. My time on social networks has dropped of late, which has been quite nice. Harry Arnett (SVP, Marketing & Brand Management at Callaway and Odyssey Golf) was arguing with someone from “My Golf Spy.” The back and forth between these two has become quite childish and tiresome really. The discussion went from Arnett saying MGS’s latest bragging (nooo, MGS brags? Never!) of unique visitors was a made up spreadsheet, and MGS hitting back with driver sales smack or some such nonsense. As I was falling asleep I was thinking of golf marketing, MGS, Arnett and how the sales numbers smack was supposed to hit Harry in the nuts, so to speak. At that point I realized just how little I care about golf marketing and how little, if at all, it has a bearing on what I will purchase. As the last sheep jumped over the fence the idea for today’s post hit me, top 10 reasons which have no bearing on me buying a driver.
Drumroll please…. The envelope.
#10 – It’s the “latest” model
With the insane product release cycles from TaylorMade and Callaway, your shiny new driver will be obsolete by the time you get to the top of your first backswing. I don’t care if a driver is the latest model, last year’s model, or five years old. Because it is new doesn’t mean it is better. Plus, I thought last years model, when it was the newest model, was the best driver eva! Now it’s chopped liver.
#9 – It’s on Golf Digest’s or Golf Magazine’s hot list, or whichever soon to be out of business golf magazine’s hot list I never read
Maybe I’m weird, but I have never read any golf magazine’s hot list. Seriously. Year after year these hot lists come out and year after year golf companies use being on them for part of their marketing. It’s all noise to me. “Ooooh did you see the hot list?” Um, no. Let me guess, all 4-5 major companies’ drivers were on it for the 20th year in a row.
#8 – It has some weird hole in it with a window you can open up and put chewing gum inside
The driver has some nutty feature like a weird window in it which you can open up and put stuff inside. Great.
The New KINGPXGM1-MEGA Driver
This is supposed to make me deliver the club perfectly at impact. Got it. Pass thanks.
#7 – It’s the longest long double-long, longer, guaranteed, long LONG LOOOONG!
Did I mention this driver is the longest, ever? That’s quite a feat considering last year’s model was the longest long long, longer, long LONG LONG, distance, huge longer, massive, long. What’s even more amazing is that last year’s long one is even longer than the super long massive long long LONG model from the year before that. …and so on.
#6 – It has ‘x’ number of adjustments
Cool, this driver has 987,562 different ways it can be configured! I’ve played many adjustable drivers. I like the concept. But once I adjust it that’s it. I never change it again. Nice to have adjustments, but I can easily adjust my own swing to a driver which has no adjustments but is setup properly.
#5 – It’s the #1 selling driver
Because a driver is the #1 selling driver doesn’t mean it is the best for me. It means company ‘x’ has the biggest marketing budget.
#4 – It’s the #1 driver on Tour
Because a particular golf company has a large enough budget to endorse more Tour players than any other golf company doesn’t mean their driver is the best for me.
#3 – Kenny G plays it
The #1 kazoo player in the world plays this driver and so should you. Seriously. Kenny G or George Lopez or some “star” playing a driver will never be a reason for me to. In fact, I’ll probably avoid playing any gear Kenny G uses to prevent “kazoo by association syndrome.”
#2 – PGA Tour player ‘so and so’ plays it
I do not have the same swing as Bubba Watson, Rory McIlory, Tiger Woods, Jason Day, or any other tour player. Because Bubba or whoever is the longest driver in the world with a particular model doesn’t mean I’ll hit it longer.
#1 – My Golf Spy says to
Last but not least, no My Golf Spy driver contest has or will ever have any bearing on whether or not I will purchase a driver. Maybe I’m missing something, but the only thing I notice in their marketing of these “unbiased tests” (LOL) is the whining and sniveling that Titleist or some other company “declined to participate.” It’s like they’re trying to shame or embarrass that company into sending them clubs. I’ve decided to have a “best bank” contest. Whichever bank doesn’t send me cash “declined to participate” and will be shamed online. Power to the bank customer!
Best reason to buy a driver?
Right before I went to sleep I hit the Instagram button on my phone by accident. Then it hit me. There she was, LPGA star Belen Mozo. Whatever driver she plays is the one for me.