The cut has come at the 2016 Masters Tournament. Below are the apparel scripts which didn’t make the cut. Sadly these apparel choices cost their players a chance at the ultimate piece of apparel, the green jacket. All the man-hours golf PR put into contriving these apparel scripts, designing them graphically, and pumping them out to all the blogs and golf sites who eat up this spoon-fed content they don’t have to write themselves, is sadly wasted.
This is a tribute to those fine apparel scripts who won’t see the light of day this weekend at the Masters. We don’t want them to be forgotten. We love them.
Where do apparel scripts go after they die? Do they get recycled into the next “scriptable” event? Are they donated to charity (hope so). Are they destroyed, never to be used again?
I feel bad for these poor lost scripts. They’re like lost drunken souls who no longer know who they are and no longer care. Offer them a drink.
I get out, they pull me back in…
I can’t resist another commentary, okay rant, on apparel scripting. Yes, one billleeeeeooon times is apparently not enough. It’s PGA Championship week. The best part of a major championship week is not the drama, not the best players in the world competing on incredible golf courses under immense pressure… nooooo. The best part is the apparel scripting. PR firms and apparel companies release their “scripts” and lazy journalists blindly repost it because, well, it’s much easier than actually writing something useful and informative.
I look differently at apparel scripts. I analyze them for hours, even days. There is brilliance in these scripts. The last two major championships Tiger Woods’s pant scripter only put two pairs in the script, essentially predicting missed cuts. Boom. The pant scripter nailed both.
Below are a few PGA Championship apparel scripts with my expert analysis, and grades:
Above is the apparel scripting for Dustin Johnson. My first comment is that I’m amazed they were able to find four guys who look exactly like DJ to pose for this image. Either that or DJ is one of four identical quadruplets. This scripting is nearly identical in style to his scripting for the last two major championships, which he arguably should have won. The scripting says no win for DJ this year.
Grade: B – Nice gray colors. Bonus points for finding four guys who look exactly like DJ to post for the picture.
Pretty amazing apparel script above. Who would make an apparel script for the 278th ranked golfer in the world? Nike. As mentioned, this script only has two pairs of pants. The pant scripter once again is predicting a missed cut. There’s a lot of rough and about 40,003 bunkers at Whistling Straits. Not sure three balls and eight tees will be enough. Plus walking around this hilly course with no shoes, no socks, and no underwear can’t help Tiger Woods’s cause.
Grade: D- (no socks, no shoes, no underwear, no belt, shirts which only have a left arm)
Poor Under Armour has gotten sucked into the apparel script game. They think they have to do it because everyone else does. For that their grade has been reduced from an A to a B. While this is as good a script as I’ve seen, Spieth will have to overcome playing with no underwear, no socks, and no shoes.
Grade: B (downgraded from an A because UA made a script).
Poor Rickie Fowler. Assuming he makes the cut his ONE pair of pants is going to be awfully disgusting by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around, especially when he has no underwear either. Knowing that perhaps Puma should have picked a darker color, like brown. While Rickie’s script does have shoes, why three pairs? Is he going barefoot on Sunday? No socks either. Sunday’s round in gross pants, free-balling, and with no shoes? This should be interesting.
Grade: F (no 4th pair of shoes, one pair of pants, no socks, no underwear, one shirt with only a left arm, three shirts with no arms, one outerwear unit with one left arm).
Sure I didn’t cover every script out there. I simply don’t have the time because I’m working on my own PGA Championship apparel script and beer scripting. Stay tuned for those soon.
That has to be the best title I’ve ever written. Journalistic genius that only the top male golf blogger in the world could produce (more on that ranking later…).
Yes, it is U.S. Open week. Finally! Will Jordan Spieth win? Rory McIlory? Will Tiger Woods make the cut?
WHO CARES about that trivial stuff? The BEST part of U.S. Open week is the apparel scripts! It’s the time when golf PR sends out useless promotional drivel and lazy brown-nosing “journalists” repost it hoping to get some free swag, rather than working to create their own original content!
I didn’t sleep a wink last night in anticipation of all the great apparel scripts!
For a new HOG feature this year, I’m going to analyze and grade some scripts! Let’s start with Rory McIlory:
Rory McIlory will have a tough time winning the U.S. Open with the above apparel script. By the fourth day that one shirt and one pair of pants are going to be pretty icky. Maybe he will have them cleaned between each round? And how is he supposed to compete with no underwear or socks? Chafe city.
Finally, how could he hit any good golf shots at all in a shirt which only has one arm? And oddly, if outerwear is needed that too only has one arm but the opposite one the shirt has! WTF?
Tiger Woods’s apparel script above is a little more complete than Rory’s. At least he has two pairs of pants to wear this week. Does the pant scripter think Tiger is going to miss the cut?
Once again it is chafe city with no underwear or socks. Wait… no shoes either? As violent as Tiger’s swing can be sometimes I doubt he will have good footing or power with no shoes.
Tiger’s right shoulder is going to be much more tan than his left, as none of these shirts have right arms.
I like how Rickie Fowler’s apparel scripts have been moving away from the “traffic cone” look to something a little more subdued.
In this script the very popular one-arm look is in action. No socks. No underwear. Free-balling it.
I’m confused by the three pairs of pants. Did they forget one? Is Rickie going to wear one of the three a second time, if he makes the cut? I suggest the red ones with the blue and orange shirt.
I tried to look at Keegan Bradley’s apparel script by Travis Mathew. The formatting of the website made me so dizzy I had to leave.
Jason Day (and Sergio Garcia, and Dustin Johnson)
I have to hand it to adidas. They are the only apparel script I’ve seen that gives their players both arms of the shirt. Can’t tell if Jason Day is wearing any underwear or socks.
No need to post Sergio Garcia’s or Dustin Johnson’s. They pretty much look the same.
My apparel script above has everything I’ll need for the U.S. Open at Chambers Bay: shirts with two arms, soiled underwear, dirty socks, shoes (under the pile)… it’s all there.
I realize Puma and adidas and Nike will probably steal some of these script ideas for the upcoming PGA Championship and Open Championship apparel scripting. That’s fine. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Golf websites are scrambling, producing all sorts of “what’s wrong with Tiger Woods?” articles. The pundits are pontificating and theorizing, endlessly babbling about what Tiger is doing wrong or what’s wrong with him. From Golf Channel’s Brandel Chamblee to Fox Sports’ Greg Norman to the every day six-pack hack golfers wearing their sleeveless shirts showing their barbed wire tattoos, everyone has their theories.
None of them are correct.
It’s All About Apparel Scripting
To the uneducated/inexperienced golf media member or golf spectator the solutions would lie in Tiger’s swing coach, practice routine, equipment, personal problems, etc. But to my keen and experienced golf blogger eye, the reason for Tiger’s poor play is obvious: bad apparel scripting.
While we can’t be sure if it is one piece or the whole ensemble, the results don’t lie. Something is rubbing, squeezing, chafing, blistering, or perhaps cutting off Tiger’s circulation. Maybe his hat is too tight and it cutting off blood flow to his brain causing bad golf decision making? Maybe the tighty whities are too tight? Shoes might be causing blisters? Maybe it is just the color schemes? The white hat and black belt don’t match? The socks aren’t moisture wicking enough?
Whether it is one of the issues above, all of them, or a combination of a few, something is going to have to change. If Tiger, Nike, and Tiger’s “handlers” don’t adjust his apparel scripting soon, the 85 from last week’s Memorial Tournament could be the tip of the iceberg.
Get Leonardo DiCaprio on the phone.
This is without a doubt one of the best weeks of the year in golf. Yes it is apparel script season. You see, the golf PR and golf apparel companies have really gone to great lengths to promote their products, and “apparel scripts” are getting more and more elaborate. While I appreciate fine apparel, I don’t find myself having to have a certain pair of shoes because x-PGA Tour player wears them. Same with the WITB (what’s in the bag) posts. These apparel scripts have really flooded the golf media sphere. The PR agencies send them out and all the sites post them for what I figure are two reasons: 1. They want to continue to get swag and fear if they don’t post, the swag boat will sail. 2. They don’t have to actually create content. It’s all done for them.
I’ve made it a policy not to post apparel scripts. When I started this site over 10 years ago I vowed to try and be as original as possible, and not post the same content everyone else does.
Today I’m making an exception though. I feel I can add some value to these scripts, and a viewpoint (hopefully very twisted) not found elsewhere. So let’s get to it.
Tiger Woods and Rory McIlory
How about that video above? These people are serious about their apparel scripts. Below are Tiger’s and Rory’s scripts (click to enlarge):
What stands out to me most about the above scripts are that somehow Tiger and Rory will both be golfing in shirts which are missing the right sleeve. Heaven forbid there being any inclement weather as Rory’s outerwear layer is only the right half of his body. No left torso or left arm. Neither of these scripts has socks, which could be tough on those Augusta hills. Neither has underwear. That’s an issue.
Rickie Fowler Masters Apparel Script
Below is Rickie Fowler’s Masters apparel script from Puma (click to enlarge).
I guess the “missing right arm” thing is big this year because like Tiger and Rory, Rickie’s script (above) has no right arms at all. Also, no socks or underwear. I suggest some anti-chafe cream.
Jason Day Masters Scripting
Jason Day (my pick once again to win and lost money last year in Vegas) has probably the best apparel script, from adidas.
As far as I can tell Jason is not missing anything obvious. Strangely, all of his shirts do come with the right arm intact. Can’t see if he has socks or underwear on, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Louis Oosthuizen Apparel Script
I really like Louis Oosthuizen. He seems to always bring some serious game to Augusta. But he might have some problems this week because of issues with his apparel scripting.
While his outfits all do include right arms, I think Louis is going to be at a big disadvantage with no shoes, underwear, or socks. I don’t see a hat either. He might get sunstroke without a hat, if he hasn’t had to withdraw due to sore bare feet.
Tony Korologos Scripting
Last year I broke the mold on apparel scripting for the Masters, doing my own Paulina Gretzky poses:
I’m not sure I can top last year’s script, but I’m going to give it a shot. Stay tuned.