This is without a doubt one of the best weeks of the year in golf. Yes it is apparel script season. You see, the golf PR and golf apparel companies have really gone to great lengths to promote their products, and “apparel scripts” are getting more and more elaborate. While I appreciate fine apparel, I don’t find myself having to have a certain pair of shoes because x-PGA Tour player wears them. Same with the WITB (what’s in the bag) posts. These apparel scripts have really flooded the golf media sphere. The PR agencies send them out and all the sites post them for what I figure are two reasons: 1. They want to continue to get swag and fear if they don’t post, the swag boat will sail. 2. They don’t have to actually create content. It’s all done for them.
I’ve made it a policy not to post apparel scripts. When I started this site over 10 years ago I vowed to try and be as original as possible, and not post the same content everyone else does.
Today I’m making an exception though. I feel I can add some value to these scripts, and a viewpoint (hopefully very twisted) not found elsewhere. So let’s get to it.
Tiger Woods and Rory McIlory
How about that video above? These people are serious about their apparel scripts. Below are Tiger’s and Rory’s scripts (click to enlarge):
What stands out to me most about the above scripts are that somehow Tiger and Rory will both be golfing in shirts which are missing the right sleeve. Heaven forbid there being any inclement weather as Rory’s outerwear layer is only the right half of his body. No left torso or left arm. Neither of these scripts has socks, which could be tough on those Augusta hills. Neither has underwear. That’s an issue.
Rickie Fowler Masters Apparel Script
Below is Rickie Fowler’s Masters apparel script from Puma (click to enlarge).
Fowler’s Masters apparel script has no socks or underwear
I guess the “missing right arm” thing is big this year because like Tiger and Rory, Rickie’s script (above) has no right arms at all. Also, no socks or underwear. I suggest some anti-chafe cream.
Jason Day Masters Scripting
Jason Day (my pick once again to win and lost money last year in Vegas) has probably the best apparel script, from adidas.
As far as I can tell Jason is not missing anything obvious. Strangely, all of his shirts do come with the right arm intact. Can’t see if he has socks or underwear on, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Louis Oosthuizen Apparel Script
I really like Louis Oosthuizen. He seems to always bring some serious game to Augusta. But he might have some problems this week because of issues with his apparel scripting.
While his outfits all do include right arms, I think Louis is going to be at a big disadvantage with no shoes, underwear, or socks. I don’t see a hat either. He might get sunstroke without a hat, if he hasn’t had to withdraw due to sore bare feet.
Tony Korologos Scripting
Last year I broke the mold on apparel scripting for the Masters, doing my own Paulina Gretzky poses:
2014 Masters Apparel Script – Golf PR Companies Take Note
I’m not sure I can top last year’s script, but I’m going to give it a shot. Stay tuned.
The major championships in golf are certainly the best time of year. Is it because of the green grass of Augusta and the amazing traditions at the Masters Tournament? Is it because of the intensity and difficulty of the U.S. Open? The wind and weather of the Open Championship?
No. It is the apparel scripts.
I’ve been waiting ALL winter, and running to my email box every day with anticipation of the first Masters apparel scripts. I’m thrilled to be reporting on Rickie Fowler’s apparel script, courtesy of Puma. Surprisingly Fowler is dumping the trademark “traffic cone” look and going for some more subdued schemes. Brilliant. Majestic. Tremendous. Just feast your eyes on this threadtastic apparel art:
Fowler’s Masters apparel script has no socks or underwear
I like how they put a driver in there too. Soooo cool.
But I can’t help noticing something. There are no socks or underwear in Rickie’s script. He’s free-balling it!
It could be a tough walk on those very hilly holes at Augusta National sans socks. And sans underwear? In those humid conditions of Augusta the chafe monster could be in play. I admire Rickie’s tenacity in free-balling the Masters, but I suggest keeping some DZNuts Pro Chamois cream in the bag, just in case.
DJ and Paulina Gretzky in front of a giant pig humping a barrel
Ah yes, it is April 1, 2015. April Fool’s day. There are a few golf April Fool’s jokes out there already. Perhaps the best one was the “Chris Berman Fox Golf” one, where Berman supposedly had moved to a prominent position on the Fox Sports golf broadcasting team. I know it is April fools, but some things should NOT be joked about. Golf Blogger poached my concept of golf magazines going bankrupt without pictures of Amanda Dufner in a bikini to post. If it were anyone else I’d give them hell, but John is a good friend so no worries.
I’ve been racking my tiny brain, trying to come up with a really witty but believable April fools blog post. I’m struggling. I’ve concluded that my struggles are because most of golf media and much of the golf industry, the real deal, is a joke. My Twitter, Facebook, and email streams are full of “Masters apparel scripts.” Bloggers and golf sites blindly repost that crap. Sergio Garcia’s Friday Masters pant color is not news. It does not entertain. It does not inform. It does not grow golf. It is a sales pitch which fills the golf sphere with junk, which is regurgitated over and over. I guess it gives golf PR something to work on and gives golf writers something easy to produce, rather than actually writing something original and entertaining or informative. Low hanging fruit.
I work with golf PR people and agencies on a daily basis and I do help them with reviews and articles which I think are informative, entertaining, and interesting. Sorry, but apparel scripts are none of those.
Too Much Tiger?
Twitter almost blew up yesterday because Tiger Woods’s plane was spotted at the Augusta airport. Is there a paid golf “journalist” sitting at the Augusta airport waiting to report on this? Is it the same guy who covers Tiger’s parking spot and his entrance and exit from the porta-potty? Same one who is there at the perfect time to catch Tiger blowing a big snot out of his nose? Probably.
A look at Golf.com’s “news” page a few days ago was puzzling. There were three Tiger Woods photos and a total of four articles about Woods. It is amazing to me that a player who hasn’t played in weeks, has dropped out of the world top 100, and is literally falling apart physically and mentally on the golf course, warrants so much coverage.
Too Much T&A?
Then the big golf media meltdown yesterday, the news that Amanda Dufner and Jason Dufner filed for divorce. I thought that was perhaps the best April 1 joke ever and half expected them to laughingly announce so today. The fact that Amanda Dufner is “news” makes me ill, all due respect.
Golf media is a joke, and not just on April 1.
How could I pen a golf media rant without a “most beautiful women in golf” mention? Ah yes, hot tour wives and girlfriends. Hot women in golf. Hot lady golfer Blair O’Neal shows us how to hit a bunker shot in a g-string and stilettos. Golf.com and Golf Digest have gone all out T&A for linkbait. Their readers are complaining vehemently on their Facebook pages, but those complaints fall on deaf ears because, well, there are hits. Who cares what kind of hits or if the audience is a drive-by. As long as these golf sites/magazines can report to their advertisers that x-hits happened and collect their ad revenue, producing classy material does not matter.
How about this “Keegan Bradley’s girlfriend” post… wow. Just wow. Pulitzer Prize winning material here folks:
Thankfully now that spring has sprung here at home I’ve been able to spend more time on the golf course and less time in front of my computer. That has lessened my exposure to this garbage, and thus my sanity has come back a bit from nearly jumping off the golf cliff. I’m back to actually playing and doing actual golf gear reviewing and testing, thankfully.
I was this close to shutting down my blog and disconnecting all my golf social networking ties. That’s no joke.
In the previous Hooked On Blog article the opening of a new Top Golf location in the Salt Lake City area was announced. Top Golf is a very successful business model, a “Dave and Busters with a driving range” sort of gig. The atmosphere is one of hot wings, hack golf swings, and flowing rivers of alcohol.
A great business model indeed, but will it fly in Utah?
Utah isn’t just another state. It is planet all its own. As a lifelong non-Mormon resident of Utah I’ve got some insight and comments which Top Golf may have not considered in their Utah location’s business plan. I’ll attempt to pen them in an entertaining top 10 list, without ruffling too many feathers with the local predominant religion.
Ah hell with it. Never mind. Let’s poke some fun…
Top 10 Hurdles Top Golf’s Utah Location Will Face
3.2% beer: We Utahns are not “adult” enough to drink beer as strong as the rest of the world. Our legislature has our backs though! Next year the new “wipe the citizen’s asses for them” bill will be passed too!
Green jello: I hope Top Golf has a great green jello recipe. That nasty stuff is popular here amongst the Utahns. Make a few extra bucks by putting shredded coconut inside. It’s an all-out barf fest!
Cheap patrons: Top Golf’s servers should have a second job. Utahns are notoriously bad tippers, if they tip at all.
Black market booze runs to Evanston, Wyoming: IF Top Golf gets a liquor licence (see #5), I hope they’ve factored lower profits on booze sales into their business plan. The state runs the booze here. Citizens as well as businesses who have liquor licences must buy from the state and it costs far more than in neighboring states. Top Golf could do like the rest of us heathens: make a monthly top secret drive up to Evanston, Wyoming and fill the car up with cheap booze. Just hope to hell you don’t get caught by the highway patrol. Oh, and pick me up some bottle rockets and throw $10 on the lottery for me while you’re up there.
Liquor licence: There are a fixed number of liquor licences available and all sorts of funky laws and regulations involved in getting one. Top Golf should be brushed up on the ever-changing, ever-bizarre Utah liquor laws. You know, do the macarena and recite shakespeare in latin backwards. Also, make sure the Top Golf location isn’t within 98 square miles of a Mormon ward house or no booze licence for you.
Extra highchairs and booster seats: Utahns looooove to procreate. The average children per household is 17 here in Utah, not to be confused with the number of wives. When families come with all their babies (and wives), Top Golf had better have enough highchairs and booster seats ready to roll.
Ice cream: Does Top Golf serve ice cream in their current locations? One SURE way to assure profitability in Utah is sell ice cream. Lots of it. Bank on it.
Snow: We get snow here in Utah, usually quite a bit. It’s damn cold here for half the year too. The Utah Top Golf location must have some kind of heated bays or enclosed structure or there will be NO customers in the winter!
LOTS of appetizers: We have a very strange law here in Utah with regards to selling any drinks stronger than 3.2% beer (yes I know that comes as a surprise). It is illegal for a restaurant to serve alcohol stronger than 3.2% beer unless the consumer is ordering food. Most restaurants with bars here get around this dumb law by offering a 99 cent order of chips or some other cheap appetizer. In fact, one can order a drink and get around the law by simply telling the waiter that he/she “intends” to order food at some point.
Zion curtain: The idiots in the legislature think that if an under age person sees an alcoholic drink being poured, that the under age person will lose all control and begin drinking. So they passed a law that restaurants who serve alcohol must erect a “wall” between the seating and the bar. The restaurants made a mockery of this by first making the wall two feet high, as the legislature didn’t specify the height of the wall. After the legislature changed their rules on height, restaurants made the wall glass! Top Golf may need to erect one of these walls, known as a “Zion Curtain,” so that youngsters can’t “see” drinks being poured. When I was under age I saw my mom and dad pour cocktails every day at exactly 5 PM and look how I turned out. Oh, perhaps I’m not a good example.
(Bonus) 21-year-old telepathic servers: Top Golf should only hire telepathic servers over 21 years old. It is illegal for a server in Utah to ask the customer if they want to see a wine list. Only if asked can the server give the wine list to a customer. Further, and I experienced this personally, the server must be 21 or older to give the customer a wine list. I had a 19 year old young lady as my server at a restaurant once who I asked a for a wine list. She told me she could not give it to me because she was under 21, and had to go get another server who was 21, who I then had to once again ask. My reaction was, “so it is illegal for you to give me a piece of paper with printed letters in the alphabet which form words, one of which is wine?” Her answer, “yes.” So there you have it. An under age person might lose all self control if they so much as read a word related to alcohol! Welcome to Utah.
There you go Top Golf. Hope these items above help you succeed because it is quite obvious the local government doesn’t want you to if you sell alcohol!