I get out, they pull me back in…
I can’t resist another commentary, okay rant, on apparel scripting. Yes, one billleeeeeooon times is apparently not enough. It’s PGA Championship week. The best part of a major championship week is not the drama, not the best players in the world competing on incredible golf courses under immense pressure… nooooo. The best part is the apparel scripting. PR firms and apparel companies release their “scripts” and lazy journalists blindly repost it because, well, it’s much easier than actually writing something useful and informative.
I look differently at apparel scripts. I analyze them for hours, even days. There is brilliance in these scripts. The last two major championships Tiger Woods’s pant scripter only put two pairs in the script, essentially predicting missed cuts. Boom. The pant scripter nailed both.
Below are a few PGA Championship apparel scripts with my expert analysis, and grades:
Above is the apparel scripting for Dustin Johnson. My first comment is that I’m amazed they were able to find four guys who look exactly like DJ to pose for this image. Either that or DJ is one of four identical quadruplets. This scripting is nearly identical in style to his scripting for the last two major championships, which he arguably should have won. The scripting says no win for DJ this year.
Grade: B – Nice gray colors. Bonus points for finding four guys who look exactly like DJ to post for the picture.
Pretty amazing apparel script above. Who would make an apparel script for the 278th ranked golfer in the world? Nike. As mentioned, this script only has two pairs of pants. The pant scripter once again is predicting a missed cut. There’s a lot of rough and about 40,003 bunkers at Whistling Straits. Not sure three balls and eight tees will be enough. Plus walking around this hilly course with no shoes, no socks, and no underwear can’t help Tiger Woods’s cause.
Grade: D- (no socks, no shoes, no underwear, no belt, shirts which only have a left arm)
Poor Under Armour has gotten sucked into the apparel script game. They think they have to do it because everyone else does. For that their grade has been reduced from an A to a B. While this is as good a script as I’ve seen, Spieth will have to overcome playing with no underwear, no socks, and no shoes.
Grade: B (downgraded from an A because UA made a script).
Poor Rickie Fowler. Assuming he makes the cut his ONE pair of pants is going to be awfully disgusting by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around, especially when he has no underwear either. Knowing that perhaps Puma should have picked a darker color, like brown. While Rickie’s script does have shoes, why three pairs? Is he going barefoot on Sunday? No socks either. Sunday’s round in gross pants, free-balling, and with no shoes? This should be interesting.
Grade: F (no 4th pair of shoes, one pair of pants, no socks, no underwear, one shirt with only a left arm, three shirts with no arms, one outerwear unit with one left arm).
Sure I didn’t cover every script out there. I simply don’t have the time because I’m working on my own PGA Championship apparel script and beer scripting. Stay tuned for those soon.
In my Twitter feed there are a lot of video clips from the PGA Championship. One in particular caught my attention, because someone in the press had the golf balls to ask Tiger Woods if he has lost a step. The second the video started and I heard the voice of the person asking the question, I knew who it was… Jay Flemma.
Tiger’s answer was intended to be a joke, followed up with a big Tiger smile. Nobody got it. #crickets #illbehereallweek #trytheveal
Naturally the press has gone into a complete Spiethgasm. Let’s face it, we haven’t see a player this good since Tiger Woods and the numbers prove it. By his 22nd birthday yesterday, Spieth had racked up five PGA Tour wins including two majors, the 2015 Masters and the 2015 U.S. Open. He’s already a lock for PGA Tour Player of the Year. When Tiger Woods was 22, he had six victories to his name, but only one major championship, the 1997 Masters.
For 15 years we’ve countlessly read and heard the nauseatingly repetitive debate in the press and on social media as to whether or not Tiger Woods would break Jack Nicklaus’s major championship record of 18. Woods has been sitting on 14 since 2008 and there is no part of his current game which would lead us to believe he will win even one more, let alone five more.
So the discussion has moved to Speith. At this early age he is already one major ahead of Tiger and unfortunately, that same discussion has begun: “Will Jordan Spieth break Jack Nicklaus’s major championship record?” Puhlease. Let’s not put the golf cart in front of the golfer. Even if he won two majors every year it would take him eight more years to tie Jack. So many things could happen between now and 18 majors for Spieth.
In my sick and twisted mind I thought it would be great to produce a top ten list of ways Spieth could guarantee failing to break Jack’s record. Someone had to do it. But 10 wasn’t enough.
Drumroll please… Top 15 ways Jordan Spieth can guarantee failing to break Jack Nicklaus’s major championship record:
#15: Retire early
#14: Baseline shifts
#13: Switch to an inferior golf club sponsor
#12: Unhealthy love affairs… with launch monitors
#11: Drop F-Bombs in front of small children
#10: Trash his body
#9: Treat the press and fans like crap
#8: Become a PR and brand puppet
#7: Become “Ranger Rick,” hitting flawless and perfect golf shots on the range but not being able to take them to the course
#6: Focus too much on “release patterns” and not enough on knocking a golf ball in the hole
#5: Focus too much on “traj” and not enough on knocking a golf ball in the hole
#4: Focus too much on “spin rates” and not enough on knocking a golf ball in the hole
#3: Fire swing coach and hire new one. Break swing down completely and rebuild it from scratch to “get better”
#2: Fire new swing coach and hire a newer one. Break swing down completely and rebuild it from scratch to get better… again.
#1: Fail to activate glutes
For the first time in my entire life, I read an Alan Shipnuck article at golf.com. The only content I’ve seen on that website previously featured Rickie Fowler’s girlfriend and Holly Saunders, so I was surprised to see an article about golf.
Alan Shipnuck’s “Heros and Zeros” article about the Open Championship was a zero.
The facts are that golf.com posts more click bait T&A photos than golf articles…
Shipnuck calls the Old Course a zero, right after listing it a hero in the previous paragraph:
“The Old Course. Sad to say, it has gotten much too short to provide a true championship test. The long hitters can reach both par-5s and up to four par-4s, and even medium-length players have flip wedges into half the holes. Speeding up the greens clearly isn’t the answer, as wind delays in the last three Opens have shown. It’s not the course’s fault the R&A has let equipment for the pros get out of control, but the Old Course is the saddest casualty.”
The Old Course is too short to provide championship golf? I disagree. Did it not expose the player who had the best all around game, short, long and with the putter? That player was most definitely Zach Johnson. Look at the leader board. Look at the players who were in the top 5-10. It’s a reflection of the best golfers in the world sans a couple who weren’t there in the final round because of injury (Rory McIlory) or not knowing/liking links golf (Bubba Watson). Many of the world’s top 15-20 players floated to the top of the leader board by the end of the tournament. The drama was high. The finish was very exciting. It was great championship golf on the world’s greatest golf stage.
I listened to the broadcasts and read the whining about how the course is too short and the bombers will eat it up all week, as Dustin Johnson held the lead for the first two rounds. Where did Dustin finish? Oh, tied for 49th. Where did Bubba Watson finish? Missed cut. How about Gary Woodland? Tied for 58th. The one bomber who was in the hunt was Jason Day, who also happens to have a great iron and short game and a knack for finishing in 2nd in majors.
If anything the stats show that the Old Course defends long driving well, and rewards accurate shotmaking and course management. Winner Zach Johnson hit 94% of his fairways.
Think about some of the shots the players were hitting. I remember playing the par-3 8th and hitting 8-iron and 9-iron. Some players were hitting 6-iron because of the conditions. One hole a player might hit a 330 yard drive but on the next hit a 150 yard 6-iron. The course required the players to think, manage, execute, avoid hazards, and putt well. The player who did all those things the best won.
What IS Championship Golf?
Maybe Shipnuck’s criteria for “championship golf” is the scores must be at or near even-par like a U.S. Open? Phooey. The Open winner finished at -15. If you recall, Jordan Spieth was at -19 in this year’s Masters Tournament with one hole left to play. With a large lead of five strokes, he safely won the tournament with an easy bogey on the 72nd hole to finish at -18. -18 eh? Does that mean Augusta National Golf Club isn’t a championship course either?
Golf.com should stick with its strengths, posting T&A photos of the “most beautiful women in golf.”
This morning I had fun doing an appearance on CBS Sports Talk Radio 1700 The Champ on the Jimmy B & TC Show. 1700 The Champ is based in Des Moines, Iowa. Our subject of discussion was the Open Championship and the win by Iowa native Zach Johnson. Obviously they’re super stoked about that. It was fun to talk golf over my morning coffee with Jimmy B and TC (Jim Brinson and Trent Condon). When the podcast of today’s show becomes available I’ll post a link to it.
This was the second appearance I made on the show. Last week we did an Open Championship preview which went quite well. Tooting my own horn (beep beep), I have to mention that in the preview for the Open I expressed my doubt that Tiger Woods and Bubba Watson would make the cut in the Open. They did not. A broken clock is right twice a day, assuming it isn’t a military clock. Here’s a link to the podcast of the Open preview show.
Thanks to my new pals Jimmy B and TC for the opportunity. We will be doing the same gig before and after the PGA Championship at Whistling Straits.