You know what’s great about having a blog? Being able to write whatever words I want. Today’s word is douche. The photo below is a perfect representation of what a douche does on the golf course.
I’m guessing this is the same guy that turned around yelled a bunch of F-bombs back at us when we yelled ahead, asking him to take less that 27 minutes reading one putt…
That has to be the best title I’ve ever written. Journalistic genius that only the top male golf blogger in the world could produce (more on that ranking later…).
Yes, it is U.S. Open week. Finally! Will Jordan Spieth win? Rory McIlory? Will Tiger Woods make the cut?
WHO CARES about that trivial stuff? The BEST part of U.S. Open week is the apparel scripts! It’s the time when golf PR sends out useless promotional drivel and lazy brown-nosing “journalists” repost it hoping to get some free swag, rather than working to create their own original content!
I didn’t sleep a wink last night in anticipation of all the great apparel scripts!
For a new HOG feature this year, I’m going to analyze and grade some scripts! Let’s start with Rory McIlory:
ONE shirt? One pant? No underwear? #fail
Rory McIlory will have a tough time winning the U.S. Open with the above apparel script. By the fourth day that one shirt and one pair of pants are going to be pretty icky. Maybe he will have them cleaned between each round? And how is he supposed to compete with no underwear or socks? Chafe city.
Finally, how could he hit any good golf shots at all in a shirt which only has one arm? And oddly, if outerwear is needed that too only has one arm but the opposite one the shirt has! WTF?
Tiger’s pant scripter predicts a missed cut!
Tiger Woods’s apparel script above is a little more complete than Rory’s. At least he has two pairs of pants to wear this week. Does the pant scripter think Tiger is going to miss the cut?
Once again it is chafe city with no underwear or socks. Wait… no shoes either? As violent as Tiger’s swing can be sometimes I doubt he will have good footing or power with no shoes.
Tiger’s right shoulder is going to be much more tan than his left, as none of these shirts have right arms.
I like how Rickie Fowler’s apparel scripts have been moving away from the “traffic cone” look to something a little more subdued.
In this script the very popular one-arm look is in action. No socks. No underwear. Free-balling it.
I’m confused by the three pairs of pants. Did they forget one? Is Rickie going to wear one of the three a second time, if he makes the cut? I suggest the red ones with the blue and orange shirt.
I tried to look at Keegan Bradley’s apparel script by Travis Mathew. The formatting of the website made me so dizzy I had to leave.
Jason Day (and Sergio Garcia, and Dustin Johnson)
“Jason, try to look interested…”
I have to hand it to adidas. They are the only apparel script I’ve seen that gives their players both arms of the shirt. Can’t tell if Jason Day is wearing any underwear or socks.
No need to post Sergio Garcia’s or Dustin Johnson’s. They pretty much look the same.
My apparel script above has everything I’ll need for the U.S. Open at Chambers Bay: shirts with two arms, soiled underwear, dirty socks, shoes (under the pile)… it’s all there.
I realize Puma and adidas and Nike will probably steal some of these script ideas for the upcoming PGA Championship and Open Championship apparel scripting. That’s fine. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
I apologize for not posting a photo of Anna Rawson here.
I just posted the news of the new golf company founded by GoDaddy’s Bob Parsons (no he’s not related to the Alan Parsons Project) called Parsons Xtreme Golf. They are using Anna Rawson as a spokeswoman for their $2,400 irons ($300 per individual iron). Those irons are the PXG 0311 irons.
PXG 03119302394320958.87 Niner Bravo
Crack HOG insiders have found a prototype image of the next model Parsons Iron, the PXG 03119302394320958.87 Niner Bravo. Check it out below. Even more weighting technology.
PXG 03119302394320958.87 Niner Bravo – 37 Niner Bravo Weight Technology
This iron uses a new patent-pending PXG 37 Niner Bravo movable weight technology, taking advantage of 37 precisely placed weights on the club. This allows the golfer to fine tune loft, lie, swing weight, launch angle, oxygen level, gravitational pull, altitude density, wind speed, air speed, ground speed, ball speed, club head speed, launch angle spin speed level 12, and 887 other swing characteristics.
Look for Anna Rawson in a bikini or some kind of thong, with this club in her hands, soon.
Is it cold in here?
Anna Rawson to help sell $2,400 irons… $300 per iron. Take a check?
A new golf company founded by Bob Parsons will be soon selling $2,400 sets of irons, or $300 per individual iron. What makes Parsons Xtreme Golf’s irons so good? Perhaps the 483 movable weights per club… And how does Mr. Parsons, the guy behind GoDaddy.com sell such expensive clubs? The oldest way in the marketing book, with a sexy female spokeswoman.
I met Anna Rawson a few years ago. She wasn’t dressed quite the photo above unfortunately. It was darn cold here in Utah when she was playing GOLF in an event here. Yes, this former GoDaddy girl actually does play golf. She was very nice and a pleasure to
gawk at… I mean…. talk to. She really was very nice.
“From tee to green, you’ve never played like this before. With just one swing you can feel and see that PXG clubs are unlike anything else—and you can bet that our marketing is going to make some noise and shake up the industry too.” ~Bob Parsons
Well, I’m not sure Anna Rawson can shake up the golf industry any more than she has already. It’s not like we haven’t seen her before. Will these clubs be THAT good? I may never know. I doubt I’ll ever get a sample of them to demo because I’m about to
poke some serious fun at show their next model iron, the PXG 03119302394320958.87 Niner Bravo. Stay tuned for that.
Oh yeah, here’s the actual golf club. I realize with Anna’s photo up above the average joe (or jane depending on your orientation) could probably care less…
Parsons Xtreme Golf PXG 0311 Iron
The marketing/branding/web image PXG golf is presenting looks like it is done by the same ones who do the My Golf Spy site.
Golf websites are scrambling, producing all sorts of “what’s wrong with Tiger Woods?” articles. The pundits are pontificating and theorizing, endlessly babbling about what Tiger is doing wrong or what’s wrong with him. From Golf Channel’s Brandel Chamblee to Fox Sports’ Greg Norman to the every day six-pack hack golfers wearing their sleeveless shirts showing their barbed wire tattoos, everyone has their theories.
None of them are correct.
It’s All About Apparel Scripting
To the uneducated/inexperienced golf media member or golf spectator the solutions would lie in Tiger’s swing coach, practice routine, equipment, personal problems, etc. But to my keen and experienced golf blogger eye, the reason for Tiger’s poor play is obvious: bad apparel scripting.
While we can’t be sure if it is one piece or the whole ensemble, the results don’t lie. Something is rubbing, squeezing, chafing, blistering, or perhaps cutting off Tiger’s circulation. Maybe his hat is too tight and it cutting off blood flow to his brain causing bad golf decision making? Maybe the tighty whities are too tight? Shoes might be causing blisters? Maybe it is just the color schemes? The white hat and black belt don’t match? The socks aren’t moisture wicking enough?
Whether it is one of the issues above, all of them, or a combination of a few, something is going to have to change. If Tiger, Nike, and Tiger’s “handlers” don’t adjust his apparel scripting soon, the 85 from last week’s Memorial Tournament could be the tip of the iceberg.
Get Leonardo DiCaprio on the phone.