It is time for the 5th annual HOG Turkey Awards. This is a time when I reflect back on the golf year and make a short list of some of the biggest turkeys, or what I like to call “boneheads” in golf. First let’s take a look back at the last four year’s turkey award winners to get a flavor. The winners are listed below. Click on them to see the entire turkey list of that year.
- 2005 Vijay Singh cancels tour appearances and loses hundreds of thousands of dollars due to ping pong injury, Duval makes $381 per event for 2005 ($38 for the caddy), 15 LPGA players have longer driving distance than Corey Pavin
And now, without further ado, the 2009 HOG Turkey Award winners are below, in no particular order except for the winner which is posted LAST. I went a little crazy this year. I posted a bunch of turkeys rather than just the top 10. I couldn’t resist.
- Rule Twenty One golf pocket towels are shaped like neckties and hang from your pocket. Rather than giving this thing a poor review I decided to just not do one. Their press releases are so “over the top tree hugger green” it is nauseating (link to a .doc press release). They’re obviously trying to jump onto the “green” wave. According to their press releases, this golf towel increases the player’s concentration level, increases blood circulation, cures headaches, cures insomnia, restores agricultural lands, reduces rain runoff. All this from a golf towel? Wow. Not only that, this golf towel repairs the ozone hole, feeds hungry children, cures cancer, brings peace to the Middle East, solves the USA’s economic problems, cures AIDS, turns water into wine and does stuff that would make even Jesus himself say “how’d you do that?” Soon this golf towel will replace all the light bulbs in all the homes on the planet, saving the entire earth from running out of energy too. I heard Al Gore uses this golf towel, so they have that going for them. Somebody please stop me any time.
- Members of my other site, The Golf Space, chimed in to help with this year’s awards. Somehow they came up with Chris Berman as a turkey award winner for his awful golf announcing. Yes, don’t get me started with Berman and all his not so funny names like “Roger Chocolate Maltbe.” That was funny about 20 years ago. How about “He cooked his putt too far,” or “ground control to major Toms,” or “David Do Val?” Geez.
- A turkey award goes out to golf TV media for covering Tiger Woods 99% of the time, even when he isn’t playing. I love how they show Tiger blowing snot rockets out of his nose or entering the porta-potty instead of covering some other player on the course making a great shot. Perhaps one of the best bad Tiger coverages was by TNT, when they were covering (quite well though) Tiger’s empty parking spot.
- Related to the last post, we might as well mention TGC. TGC doesn’t stand for “The Golf Channel.” It stands for “Tiger is God Channel” or “Tiger Golf Channel.”
- Awful golf announcing in general should have a Turkey Award. There’s a lot of it going around.
- A few notable names who didn’t crack the top 125 on the PGA Tour: David Duval (sorry “Do Val,” 130), Chris DiMarco (135), Stuart Appleby (137), Brad Faxon (221), Jesper Parnevik (219), John Daly (215).
- Speaking of John Daly… Can’t have a Turkey Award without mentioning big John. He gets an award for being suspended for most of the year.
- Kenny Perry chomps on a turkey leg for not sealing the deal at the Masters. Then later he fires his caddy before the end of the season run. Happy Holidays.
- Ernie Els gets a turkey for playing far below his potential.
- Sergio Garcia for his whining about the Masters conditions after playing poorly. Yes the terrible conditions at Augusta National were to blame for his poor play. I hate playing that course. It is such a dog track that I never score well there.
- Stupid drunk golf fans who yell “you’re the man” or “get in the hole” after every shot. SHUT THE HELL UP YOU MORONS!
- Someone (the economy, management, banks) should get a turkey for Nickent going out of business.
- Me for accidentally throwing a product I was reviewing in the middle of a lake.
- The PGA Tour for the FedEx Cup. Actually I liked the playoffs and FedEx Cup this year. I just got so used to putting the FedEx Cup in as a recipient that I almost automatically did it this year.
- Anna Rawson for meeting me and blowing her chance of “having her way” with me.
- Nine crooks who were selling counterfeit golf clubs on ebay. They’ll be eating prison turkey now.
- Jim Thorpe for tax evasion.
- Tom Watson for failing to make par on the 18th at the British Open and failing to seal one of the most incredible feats in sports history. Man I wanted to see that happen! Damn! Still amazing what he did though. I don’t want to take away from what he accomplished by any means.
- Annika Sorenstam for marrying someone other than me and having his child.
- Golfers or golf companies who use too much fancy Adobe Flash in their web sites…. loading, loading, loading…
- Facebook and Twitter users who want to inform me and hundreds of their friends that their five year old son’s farts smell like french dip sandwiches.
- The guy on the range who shanked his driver and hit me in the ass definitely gets a Turkey Award.
- Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain (yes I know), beaned by a golf ball.
- The slew of players who had this year’s Masters Tournament in the palm of their hands and gagged it away.
- Carolyn Bivens. Need I say more?
- Errant Bill Murray golf shot sends lady to hospital.
- Shanghai golf counterfeiters raided and busted.
- GolfNow.com for saying they’ll get back to me on advertising by February 3rd. It is now November 28th.
- Nike ad tout’s themselves as #1 driver yet their promo pictures shot Tiger Woods with a Titleist putter in his hands.
- On February 18th Steve Williams says Tiger Woods’ return is a “few weeks away.” Tiger returns seven days after that.
- I score a nine on the 17th at TPC Sawgrass, becoming the first person to put the 2009 model ProV1 in the water there…. twice.
- Whoever passed gas on the 18th hole at the Buick, whether it was Tiger, Stevie or David Feherty. Oh and how about YouTube for taking my video of that event down after only one hour of being up. In that hour that video was viewed 20,000 times.
- Runner up for the 2009 Turkey Awards is the PGA Tour for banning a complete no-name, unknown player for using performance enhancing drugs. Way to step out on a limb and make a stand! Bravo!
And the #1 Turkey Award Winner for 2009… drum roll please…..
I’m a big Tiger fan so don’t get me wrong. But Tiger displayed very poor sportsmanship throughout the year with his temper tantrums, club throwing on numerous occasions, cussing and bag kicking. His behavior at the British was very disappointing. Many videos surfaced over the season of Tiger throwing clubs. I wish Bobby Jones could have a talk with Tiger about club throwing. He threw a club once and never did it again.